I go to write once again and am again found unfit for my own hopes and aims. I have yet so much to learn in this life. There is so much to do and so many people to help. When I look around and see that I am still here, I feel afraid that I will never fulfill all that I feel called to do. What I know needs to be done always surpasses what I know how to do. And that reality seems never to change. I can accept that reality. However I can never be happy with that reality which is why I will always feel that constant pressure to go out and learn and teach and learn and teach and learn and teach. In all honesty, I must say that whenever I touch a piece of my calling I feel in my core this gnawing ache for perfection. When I hum a song of worship, I yearn to burst into a glorious song that in lyric and melody would satisfy the majesty of my Creator. When I scratch my charcoal against my paper, I beg the instrument in my hands to ring out His truth without holding back. When I come to the last line of a book, I long to know every depth and secret hiding behind every word I'd just read and then feel even more the ache to grasp the depths and secrets of all the books I've yet to reach. When I write, I see all the greatness of the thousands of writings and writers before me and I think "oh God! How can I begin to scratch the surface of what I long to say of You! I want to find the words to honor You in precious odes of Your creation, in thought-provoking articles of Your nature, in silly tomes of Your kids." I want to speak with eloquence, and my words catch my tongue and stumble into fragments of my greatest hopes. His glory so great and my need to glorify Him so dire, yet my ability so meager. Yet that which I find myself able to offer means so much for His kingdom. I can never excuse weakness lest I find myself comfortable with imperfection. However I know that my weakness speaks of His greatness. And I take joy in the fact that He is driving me forwards with this need to demonstrate His glory before the world to whatever capacity He provides in and through me.
I know that this thirst to satisfy the potential that eats at me may never be quenched totally, yet I am pacified to know that His grace is by all means sufficient. I need no other person, place, or thing to provide what my Father has for me.
I do not have a care for the opinions of others as I seek to glorify Him. I do not care if people need to see pretension where it does not exist. I do not care if people believe to see unsubstantial resolve when steadfast resolve beckons daily.
I do not care if I'm seen as "religious" or "unrealistic" or whatever. All I want to do find peace and then share it. This same calling does not disappear when I go out to watch a movie. It does not melt away when life gets hectic. It does not fade just because I am a sinner. It does not waver at any point because it is God in me even when I am not behaving godly. It does seem to pulse stronger, however, when I am in the Word. It does thrive when I find good fellowship. It does make itself quite evident when I practice discernment in all venues. Still, no matter my surroundings, I cannot deny its presence.
I do pray that God will provide the words where my words fail. I pray that God will provide the genius where my idiocy resides. I pray that God will provide the notes when my voice strains to touch His glory. I pray that God will provide for my every failure. And may I never get in the way of His far-reaching kingdom, in the way of His calling on my life, in the way of His better plan. May I never forget that ache either or find contentment in this place.
May God feed my hunger with ability and fortitude. Heal my ache with motivation and foresight. Quench my thirst with understanding and focus.
Thank God for the great plans He prepares for His children!
His glory stretches out beyond our understanding and His majesty exists far beyond what we could ever attempt to demonstrate. And yet we were made to glorify Him with what little understanding we can muster. His grace is sufficient.
