Am I missing out? Every moment I spend in class, every minute I sleep away, every hour I spend turning book pages, I feel I am missing out. I feel as if there is some other class I ought to experiance, some other issue I was suppose to address before head-meets-pillow, some other book that deserves my attention. Even in this moment, I am stuggling to enjoy the opportunity to journal. But most likely I am missing out on patience and joy for the moment more than anything else. The feeling of wasting moments to hike mountains, read unknown stories, write testiments of God's work in me, discover new people, etc. is haunting. I want to do it all! And am weary of the constraints of responsibility. But this is wrong. God has clearly placed a calling on my life to be dedicated to these moments. In Mere Christianity, Lewis talks about how we are creatures made for anther existence and how each little moment is capable of leading to enourmous victory or devastating defeat. The little moments are carving my soul, either creating a hellish being or one meant for heaven. I suppose my problem is that I have turned away from the true calling God has for His people. He gets the glory in the "little things" long before I can ever offer up any "big things." Why at this time am I striving so? I am terrified of living according to the tyranny of the urgent and ignoring those things of the Deepness, the things of the Spirit. Perhaps that is why I am failing to see the small things as cherished gifts, because I'm living in the fear of the tyranny of the urgent--which still gives hegemony to the urgent, indirectly. It reminds me of a line from the song "Free" by Genny Owens conscerning the dedication to bonds of failure, until we take on the Master's yoke. Am I "bearing gifts as if they're burdens"?